Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Write of Passage 2 -- Everything Falls Apart

June 23, 2012:  The day I had held in fear since we first started planning Hannah's Rite of Passage, arrived today at 5pm.  The phone rang, and on the other end of the line was Patty our mission trip leader. Her news was devastating and had me crumbling into the nearest chair....our trip had been cancelled. Seems that several participants had to back out last minute for personal reasons. Patty apologized over and over, saying this rarely ever happened. "What are we supposed to do," I cried out loud. We had our flights. We had reservations at a B&B for an extra 2-night stay. We had all our plans put into place. The best Patty could do was offer us either another trip at another date and time, or World Servants would refund our mission trip money and cover the cost of our cancelled flights should we decide not to go at all, ever.  I couldn't believe it. I held the phone in my hand, but my mind was racing out of control and my body was collapsing under the weight of the news.
Everything had just fallen apart, with only three weeks left before we were to get on our plane.

I hung up the phone and started crying. Hannah wasn't home. She had left for work a half hour earlier and I knew she wouldn't be back until close to midnight. There was no way to let her know what had happened, not that I was ready to. I couldn't even comprehend the full ramifications of what had just happened--how in the world was I going to tell her? As my panic grew and my tears spilled out, Josie (my youngest), took on the role of mother, soothing me with those tried and true "parental" one-liners I'd used all too often in the past...."It'll be ok. Everything will work out. Just breathe. Things will be fine."
I appreciated her words, but I knew I also needed to talk to Dan. He would give me some direct advice, he would offer a solution, he'd know what I needed to do. But a quick search around the farm didn't turn him up. So I headed back inside and did the only thing I could think of. I fired up my computer and started all over again.
Evan Almighty
As I waited for "Google" to load, a scene from Evan Almighty (a movie we had just watched the weekend before) began playing in my mind. It was the part where Morgan Freeman (God) chuckles when Steve Carell (Evan) tries to argue that building an ark doesn't "fit his plan." Was God chuckling at us a bit too, as we kept "telling" Him all the wonderful ways we were going to serve Him in Puerto Rico? With all the twists and turns and stops and starts we'd had over the past 11 months, was God really trying to clue us in and say, "It's time you leave the details to Me?"
As this idea rolled through my psyche, it connected with another long-time belief of mine....."God helps those who help themselves." So, with an open mind and a prayer in my heart, I clicked on a couple new volunteer opportunities in Puerto Rico. One for the El Yunque National Rainforest and the other for a pet rescue shelter. I wrote down the phone number for the first, and shot off an email to the second. Then Dan walked in.
As I took a deep breath preparing to share my news, I felt another small fear bubble to the surface of my heart. "This is a make-it or break-it moment." I knew that in telling Dan what had just happened, I would and could be about to find out his true feelings for these mother-daughter excursions. I mean, he's always been outwardly supportive. He's never told me not to go. But I always wondered if there was a deep-down part of him that didn't understand my reasonings for taking each of our girls on such a trip. This would be the perfect opportunity for him to softly discourage us, to tell us not to go, all without him having to be the "bad guy" by suggesting it. He could simply say, "Take this as a sign," and the trip would dissolve into nothingness.
But that's not what happened.
Instead, when I blurted my news and then cried, "Now what?", my husband, without blinking an eye, spoke these words I'll never forget: "You still go. Don't cancel anything. This trip has always been about you and Hannah spending time together. You'll find something else to do." Little did he know that besides the verbal question thrown between us, he had just answered some hidden questions of mine as well. In this strange twist of fate, I was given a great gift---a chance to see directly into the heart of my husband, and know once and for all that he supported these rite of passages, 100%.
It was then that I waved him over, and showed him my computer screen filled with the new volunteer opportunities I had found.  "See, it will be alright," he said. "You'll figure it out as you go. Just go."
It would be 1:00 a.m. before I shared the news with Hannah. It was then that she came into our bedroom to say she was home and to ask if three girlfriends could spend the night. I told her yes, but that I had something to tell her first. Even in the dark I could sense Hannah's body tighten. She knew this was an unusual request on my part, to talk in the middle of the night. She crouched down beside my bed and as gently as I could, I told her about the mission trip being canceled. Immediately her body sunk to the floor, and the words "Oh, no" escaped from her heart.
"Hold on," I said.
I filled her in on the rest--what I had found out during my evening of online investigating and that we would still go, no matter what. Although her dream of a mission trip was taken away so suddenly, to my surprise Hannah's resolve and strength and faith rebounded almost instantly. She leaned in and and gave me a hug, whispering into my ear, "It doesn't matter what we do, Mom, as long as we're together."
Ok, but that 's the easy part, my thoughts replied. I was still silently anxious about what we were going to do and where we were going to stay.
As Hannah turned to leave, she got half way to the door, when she turned around and came back to my bedside. Giving me another tight hug, she added, "We'll go on faith, Mom. We'll trust what God has planned."
And with that simple, yet incredibly faithful statement, I fell back asleep knowing that God had just clued me in---He would be the One tending to all the details.

RainForest Inn
Post Note: Over the next 3 days, I would contact the El Yunque National Rainforest to inquire about volunteering opportunities, and I talked with Bill at the RainForest Inn, where we were to stay our final 2 nights in Puerto Rico. (Sue's Place, which I had originally booked, turned out to be yet another "falling apart" in our plans. When I called to confirm our reservation, I was told by the owner that she never accepted our booking. Instead, Sue's Place would be closed that week we were traveling, and she, in turn, would be on her own vacation.) The RainForest Inn turned out to be a wonderful blessing! It was actually the first place I had found online when Hannah's Rite of Passage process began. At the time, I thought it would be too far away from where we would be taking our mission trip. But the place never left my mind; it was always popping into my train of thoughts, my research, my online investigating. When I called Bill on the phone to inquire about extending our stay, he was a world of information and support. Their inn was right outside the El Yunque Rainforest, and he offered to dig up volunteer opportunities for us prior to our arrival. I booked our full 10 day stay in Puerto Rico with him and his wife, Laurie. With that done, I breathed my first real sigh of relief. Somehow I knew this was the place we were meant to be.

Powerful Words

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable. ~Kahlil Gibran